tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post495812943666475..comments2023-10-30T09:45:16.159-06:00Comments on Writing on the Wall: Monday Mania--First PagePrecision Editing Grouphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17054725687044240043noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-42441611810835172562011-02-07T14:53:23.496-07:002011-02-07T14:53:23.496-07:00I agree with the other commenters, especially with...I agree with the other commenters, especially with being confused if the main character is a teen or adult. When I read "I owe him twice that for the garbage he pulled in my store" I thought the character was an adult, but the other phrasing made me flip-flop back and forth a couple of times.<br /><br />I wanted to keep reading, though!Rebecca Blevinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09378726097105313400noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-56153530614984385902011-02-07T14:42:29.982-07:002011-02-07T14:42:29.982-07:00I love the way you jump into this story with a str...I love the way you jump into this story with a strong emotion and a great visual image. That really draws me in right away. I like the voice and the humor.<br /><br />A couple of things were confusing to me. First, I don't know what it means to literally pull garbage in a store. When you say literally, I think of dragging rubbish into the store, which points me in the wrong direction. My suggestion is to move a phrase from the subsequent paragraph in place of the confusing one: "I owe him twice that for the disaster he left in my sandwich shop." Then end the paragraph there and take out the "It was only fair..." sentence in the second paragraph. (Did that make sense?)<br /><br />Second, I'm unsure if this main character is an adult or a teenage worker in a supervisory job. This makes a big difference in how I, as a reader, process this scene. Somethings have more of an adult perspective ("her future social life," "like his older brothers before him") and other phrases have a teen perspective ("the way my mom does when we're in trouble"). I don't think it would take very much to make that clear--just a well-placed phrase somewhere.<br /><br />Great beginning! I would definitely keep reading.Lana Krumwiedehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06538049424115986364noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-68581807637440143142011-02-07T12:21:07.274-07:002011-02-07T12:21:07.274-07:00Love your hook line. But then you mention the thin...Love your hook line. But then you mention the thing Brandon did too many times before telling us what it was that he'd done. <br /><br />I'd definitely keep reading if you trimmed this down though.Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10350990574222507082noreply@blogger.com