tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post6272074500604680993..comments2023-10-30T09:45:16.159-06:00Comments on Writing on the Wall: Monday Mania--Query LetterPrecision Editing Grouphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17054725687044240043noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-90316955702461198042010-05-19T10:03:58.592-06:002010-05-19T10:03:58.592-06:00Intriguing idea for sure!
I would suggest cutting...Intriguing idea for sure!<br /><br />I would suggest cutting down the description to the bones so we get to the point quicker: who are the main characters (like Josi said, the other brother doesn't really matter at this point), what is the major conflict, and what's at stake? Everything else is window dressing.<br /><br />I think you have most of those elements, but there's enough other stuff that gets in the way of really showcasing them and hooking the reader.<br /><br />Good luck!Annette Lyonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12493583432919249814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-77362438778714192010-05-18T10:28:03.076-06:002010-05-18T10:28:03.076-06:00I agree with Josi. Very interesting premise. When ...I agree with Josi. Very interesting premise. When you mention your publications, you might want to state the publisher, the target market for your books, and sales.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-73977184611160778612010-05-18T05:56:16.877-06:002010-05-18T05:56:16.877-06:00Great premise, it definitely captured my attention...Great premise, it definitely captured my attention. I do have some suggestions. The first line, the ... should come after 'and' not before.<br /><br />In the description I got confused when it said the story was about two brothers, but then it only seemed to be about one of them and calling him 'Jenner' had me reading back to see which brother it meant. I wonder if it's worth saying anything about two brothers since it's a confusing detail. I also got confused when it said they were in purgatory, but then he wakes from the coma. I suggest changing "Then Jenner wakes up in his body. His memory is back and that makes all the difference." to "When Jenner wakes up from his coma he realizes he has the chance to change everything."<br /><br />When you mention having published two novels I think you need a bit more info, are they self-published? Faith based opposed to this one you're taking to the national market? A different genre than this one? I also don't think we need quite so much description about your artwork, just a mention, perhaps something like "I am also a professional artist and draw portraits of deceased people in the arms of Jesus. Where Paradise Lies is the result of years of reflection on the questions of life and death I have explored both internally and through the stories of those I have worked with." I just want to make sure the focus remains the book rather than your art.<br /><br />The final line also seemed a bit too casual. I wonder if you could change it to say "I would be pleased to send additional portions of Where Paradise Lies upon your request."<br /><br />Good luck!Josihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10615874450489497826noreply@blogger.com