tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post8038886943235945675..comments2023-10-30T09:45:16.159-06:00Comments on Writing on the Wall: Monday Mania--Query LetterPrecision Editing Grouphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17054725687044240043noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-25898363186405938172010-02-08T21:01:38.157-07:002010-02-08T21:01:38.157-07:00I agree with Susana and Kate. As Susana says, many...I agree with Susana and Kate. As Susana says, many agents do prefer a query to jump into the book, rather than the stats. But I'm with Kate on being turned off by the idea of Christy being more concerned about flirting than preserving her life. That's not something I could identify with, even as a teenager. <br /><br />Those two halves do sound like two distinct, interesting stories—but they don't seem to intersect very much. The setup here seems to be she witnessed a murder, but the choice she faces is between two boys. The consequences of that choice seem a little vague.<br /><br />Reading the query, I'm afraid the book is going to be heavy on the suspense for the first quarter, and then be dominated by the love story to the exclusion of the suspense. I'd like a sense that these stories are more interwoven and the suspense story doesn't get lost. <br /><br />You know your story best, of course, but maybe if you cut the sentence describing how the boys make her feel and clarify the consequences—if she can't focus long enough to help foil the terrorist plot, X people will die, or something along those lines. <br /><br />A love triangle is fine as the main plot of a romance, but there need to be a lot bigger consequences for her choice if this is also going to be marketed as suspense.<br /><br />Hope we've helped!Jordannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-7113572959201001642010-02-08T16:39:16.202-07:002010-02-08T16:39:16.202-07:00See, the first line bothered me on a different lev...See, the first line bothered me on a different level. I think a rephrase would work fine:<br /><br /><br />"After witnessing a brutal murder, Christy Hadden finds herself more fazed by the sudden attention of two hot boys than the crime itself."<br /><br />I find that the title and genre usually comes at the end of a query, at least per what I'm used to seeing. I think it reads better when you jump straight into the action. Personal preference.<br /><br />Also, I wasn't bothered by the fact that the murder didn't faze her. My guess is that the author is just channeling her character's attempt to ignore her feelings--'oh, whatever, is was only murder' is merely a form of protection. It adds depth to Christy's character.<br /><br />Kate's suggestion as to how to rework the first sentence works as well, though I've always been a sucker for a first sentence that jumps at you. I want to keep the agent's attention from line 1.Susana Maihttp://writingyourfeelings.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9113459088262891680.post-87708035091177190922010-02-08T15:28:59.904-07:002010-02-08T15:28:59.904-07:00" ... fifteen year old Christy Hadden, who fi..." ... fifteen year old Christy Hadden, who finds her life changing more from the attention of two boys than witnessing a brutal murder."<br /><br />I was turned off by this line. Really? Witnessing a murder, a brutal one at that, doesn't phase her? That's how it comes off to me. I'd take it out completely and start this way:<br /><br />Watched is a 95,000 word young adult romantic suspense novel. A complete social outcast at home, fifteen-year-old Christy sets off ...Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13303922187736526290noreply@blogger.com