One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0043:
Dear AGENT,
Because of your interest in young adult fiction with a historical bent, I’m sending you the first chapter of my novel Beyond the Fortune-Teller’s Tent.
Petra Baron, a senior at Arroyo Oaks High School, enters a fortune-teller’s tent at a Renaissance faire and exits into Elizabethan England. This detour into the past radically alters her carefully laid future plans. Despite her ambivalence towards her father’s recent remarriage, Petra is desperate to return to her life in Orange County, California. The seventeenth century presents all sorts of challenges -- a gypsy hunt, a demon dog named Black Shuck, and an overwhelming attraction to Emory Ravenswood. She also meets Friar Rohan, who challenges her to ask a new set of questions, “Instead of asking how, you should ask why you are here.”
When Petra returns to the here and now, she’s reunited with her newly created stepfamily emotionally as well as physically because of the lessons of love and loss learned in the Golden Age. She’s lost Emory. Or has she? Centuries apart but drawn together by extraordinary circumstances, can Petra and Emory survive the test of time? A first in a series, Beyond the Fortune-teller’s Tent is an 80,000 word novel.
I’ve been writing for a number of years. My second novel, The Promise, received an honorable mention in an international contest. My third novel, Hailey's Comments, was a semi-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest. My fifth novel, Stealing Mercy, placed second at the LDS Storymaker’s Conference first chapter contest in the historical category.
I studied English Literature at Brigham University and at BYU’s International Center in London. I’ve written for local newspapers and political campaigns. As former chapter president of a charitable organization, I’m frequently asked to speak publicly and I write my own addresses.
Currently, I’m president of Orange County Fictionaires, a local writing group. Neal Shusterman, award winning young adult author, and prolific romance writer Jacqueline Diamond, both friends and fellow Fictionaires, a have promised to speak kindly in my work’s behalf. Raymond Obstfeld, bestselling novelist, called my writing ‘intelligent, witty and strong,’ and Charles Salzberg, director of The New York Writer’s Workshops, was ‘impressed by my writing and characters.’ I hope you’ll feel the same. I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday Mania--Query Letter
One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0042:
Agent
Address, etc
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for the completed novel, Balance of Powers, comprising approximately 105,000 words. Balance of Powers takes us on an epic journey where three separate worlds are about to converge. This novel weaves together what I love most about fantasy adventure, science fiction and psychology, and will likely satisfy your interest in both epic fantasy and science fiction. The advanced science of the alien world Xo’lentia and epic adventures on the magical world of Ru’unta 3 are all tied together as our hero battles the corrosive thoughts of his own mind.
The future of each world hinges on the fate of one man–¬¬–Jared. There is one small problem for our unlikely hero, however. He has no idea who he is or where he came from. Only maddening glimpses of supposed memories plague his mind with self-doubt and loathing. Finding himself in a strange and foreign world full of magical beings and ominous creatures, Jared questions his abilities and purpose. Many have faith that he is the Foretold One, destined to save the planet from destruction.
Others would just as soon see him dead.
But that’s not all. Our unassuming hero has caught the attention of an advanced alien race as well, and some will stop at nothing to exploit Jared to find his home world, Dimension Earth.
Jared may be able to overcome the challenges of this dangerous planet with the help of those determined to protect him, but will he manage to work through his own destructive thoughts and beliefs? Planet Earth, Xo’lentia and Ru’unta 3 may all depend on it.
As a mental health counselor and a life long lover of science fiction and fantasy, I look forward to publishing this novel that ties them all together in an action packed adventure, full of interesting characters and landscapes. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
AUTHOR
Critique Archive 0042:
Agent
Address, etc
Dear Agent:
I am seeking representation for the completed novel, Balance of Powers, comprising approximately 105,000 words. Balance of Powers takes us on an epic journey where three separate worlds are about to converge. This novel weaves together what I love most about fantasy adventure, science fiction and psychology, and will likely satisfy your interest in both epic fantasy and science fiction. The advanced science of the alien world Xo’lentia and epic adventures on the magical world of Ru’unta 3 are all tied together as our hero battles the corrosive thoughts of his own mind.
The future of each world hinges on the fate of one man–¬¬–Jared. There is one small problem for our unlikely hero, however. He has no idea who he is or where he came from. Only maddening glimpses of supposed memories plague his mind with self-doubt and loathing. Finding himself in a strange and foreign world full of magical beings and ominous creatures, Jared questions his abilities and purpose. Many have faith that he is the Foretold One, destined to save the planet from destruction.
Others would just as soon see him dead.
But that’s not all. Our unassuming hero has caught the attention of an advanced alien race as well, and some will stop at nothing to exploit Jared to find his home world, Dimension Earth.
Jared may be able to overcome the challenges of this dangerous planet with the help of those determined to protect him, but will he manage to work through his own destructive thoughts and beliefs? Planet Earth, Xo’lentia and Ru’unta 3 may all depend on it.
As a mental health counselor and a life long lover of science fiction and fantasy, I look forward to publishing this novel that ties them all together in an action packed adventure, full of interesting characters and landscapes. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
AUTHOR
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday Mania--Query Letter
One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0041:
Dear AGENT:
The Trinity captures the epic journey of Julian White as she joins the Trinity, triplet teen boys Dresden, Ethan and Garrett, on discovering who they are and where they came from. The legendary royal Trinity are unaware that the hidden, mystical island of Athlendora is their true home. As infants, their parents brought them to the safety of the small town of Luray, Virginia for their protection against Zamir, the man determined to kill them because of the legend; for if it comes true, it will ruin his plans to become ruler of Athlendora.
Mathias, the Trinity’s father, is waiting to tell his boys about their history until they receive their powers at the age of eighteen. Little does he know that his boys have already received their powers—the ability to teleport among other things—much earlier then expected. While Mathias is out looking for his kidnapped wife whom is being held for ransom for the Cathriona—a necklace of magnificent power—the enemy is trying unsuccessfully to kill the Trinity. Mathias is alerted to the attacks when Ethan’s destined sword Leazar makes an appearance. Mathias is comforted that the sword has found its master for he knows the sword will tell Ethan what to do when danger is near.
Soon the Trinity’s bravery and power will be tested when an unexpected enemy breaks into their home and attacks them to retrieve the hidden Cathriona necklace.
The Trinity is the first of a trilogy that unfolds the romance between Dresden and Julian, the significant destiny of the Trinity, and the mysterious island of Athlendora.
Since you represent young adult romance novels, I feel you would be a good fit for my manuscript. The first completed novel of 80,000 words is available for your review.
Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
WRITER
Critique Archive 0041:
Dear AGENT:
The Trinity captures the epic journey of Julian White as she joins the Trinity, triplet teen boys Dresden, Ethan and Garrett, on discovering who they are and where they came from. The legendary royal Trinity are unaware that the hidden, mystical island of Athlendora is their true home. As infants, their parents brought them to the safety of the small town of Luray, Virginia for their protection against Zamir, the man determined to kill them because of the legend; for if it comes true, it will ruin his plans to become ruler of Athlendora.
Mathias, the Trinity’s father, is waiting to tell his boys about their history until they receive their powers at the age of eighteen. Little does he know that his boys have already received their powers—the ability to teleport among other things—much earlier then expected. While Mathias is out looking for his kidnapped wife whom is being held for ransom for the Cathriona—a necklace of magnificent power—the enemy is trying unsuccessfully to kill the Trinity. Mathias is alerted to the attacks when Ethan’s destined sword Leazar makes an appearance. Mathias is comforted that the sword has found its master for he knows the sword will tell Ethan what to do when danger is near.
Soon the Trinity’s bravery and power will be tested when an unexpected enemy breaks into their home and attacks them to retrieve the hidden Cathriona necklace.
The Trinity is the first of a trilogy that unfolds the romance between Dresden and Julian, the significant destiny of the Trinity, and the mysterious island of Athlendora.
Since you represent young adult romance novels, I feel you would be a good fit for my manuscript. The first completed novel of 80,000 words is available for your review.
Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
WRITER
Friday, February 11, 2011
Spinning Plates
Lu Ann Brobst Staheli
First of all, let me say it feels great to be back. Okay, some of you may be wondering where I’ve been, and some of you may not even know I was gone because, other than a guest interview in 2009, I’ve been absent from the blog since 2008, when I was a regular columnist.
Where on earth did that time go? Honestly, I was surprised at how long it had been since I’d written a column for PEG. I didn’t mean for my absence to be so long, and I certainly hadn’t forgotten about our growing audience.
As a matter of fact, I’ve been working with many of our readers in another capacity, as an editor. So, a wave “hello” to all of you who I’ve been working with, a “thanks for welcoming me back” to the rest of the PEG editors who’ve been carrying the load while I was gone, and a “nice to meet you” to anyone who doesn’t remember me even hanging around here many years ago.
I’ll try to do better—I honestly will—but like many of you who are working hard at being a writer, I also have other full time jobs which sometimes keep me from doing everything I’d like to do, even when those activities are worthy and beneficial to myself and those I’m working with as an editor.
A few years ago, when I was on a panel filled with teachers and authors at a conference at UVU, I described myself as the Plate Spinner guy on the Ed Sullivan Show. If you’re not old enough to remember, this guy—did we ever know his name?—had several long poles that were flexible enough to keep in constant motion. He would put a plate on top of each pole and move it back and forth to start the plate spinning. His job then for the next few minutes was to keep all the plates spinning at the same time. Sometimes a plate or two would slow down enough to make the audience worry the guy wouldn’t get to them in time to keep the plate from crashing to the floor and breaking.
Such is the life of a freelance writer.
As freelance writers we want to write something for which we can be paid. That means we have to come up with an idea, write enough of a pitch or outline an article, then set it on the query pole and send it spinning on its way. Then we do it again and again and again until we get a response of YES from an editor.
Once that answer comes, we are busy spinning the drafting pole. How many words did we promise in length? We told the editor we could have the final copy ready by when? What could we have been thinking? This pole has to move fast, fast, fast if we don’t want to break the plate that also holds our future career with this publication.
Sometimes we have to do research which sets the next pole into motion as we try to find the facts we need to support the article or book we are writing. Check and double check, locate a reliable source, and attempt to do it all within the confines of our already ridiculous daily schedule.
Then there is the editing pole. This pole can start in motion all by itself at a moment’s notice and have a killer deadline. “I’ve attached the final edits on your 70,000 words manuscript. Take a look at it and get it back to us as soon as possible. We’d like to go to print the day after tomorrow.” What?! All other spinning plates may suddenly find themselves in jeopardy of falling as you give your full attention to maintaining this one. There’s no way you can let your book or article be printed without having one last chance to make sure nothing horrible has happened during typesetting. Your writer’s reputation depends on it.
If you’ve written a book, once it’s published, along come the marketing and promotion poles, which sometimes work in tandem, but often mean extra work as you try to increase your sales. Interviews, book launch parties, bookstore signings, TV appearances, blog tours, conference presentations, social networking—and the list goes on.
In the meantime, you’re back at pole one, working on the next pitch, writing the next piece for publication, and doing all in your power to keep all of those poles and the plates on top spinning in full action.
All because we want to be a paid writer.
Oh, and don’t forget the other poles you might be spinning—another job, a husband and children, church and service obligations, friendships, and even finding time for yourself can all have plates that must keep spinning.
With all this spinning, I’m suddenly finding myself a little dizzy. I think I’ll take a break from writing.
But I promise, I won’t be gone another two years before you hear back from this plate spinner. As a matter of fact, I already have an idea for next week’s blog entry...
First of all, let me say it feels great to be back. Okay, some of you may be wondering where I’ve been, and some of you may not even know I was gone because, other than a guest interview in 2009, I’ve been absent from the blog since 2008, when I was a regular columnist.
Where on earth did that time go? Honestly, I was surprised at how long it had been since I’d written a column for PEG. I didn’t mean for my absence to be so long, and I certainly hadn’t forgotten about our growing audience.
As a matter of fact, I’ve been working with many of our readers in another capacity, as an editor. So, a wave “hello” to all of you who I’ve been working with, a “thanks for welcoming me back” to the rest of the PEG editors who’ve been carrying the load while I was gone, and a “nice to meet you” to anyone who doesn’t remember me even hanging around here many years ago.
I’ll try to do better—I honestly will—but like many of you who are working hard at being a writer, I also have other full time jobs which sometimes keep me from doing everything I’d like to do, even when those activities are worthy and beneficial to myself and those I’m working with as an editor.
A few years ago, when I was on a panel filled with teachers and authors at a conference at UVU, I described myself as the Plate Spinner guy on the Ed Sullivan Show. If you’re not old enough to remember, this guy—did we ever know his name?—had several long poles that were flexible enough to keep in constant motion. He would put a plate on top of each pole and move it back and forth to start the plate spinning. His job then for the next few minutes was to keep all the plates spinning at the same time. Sometimes a plate or two would slow down enough to make the audience worry the guy wouldn’t get to them in time to keep the plate from crashing to the floor and breaking.
Such is the life of a freelance writer.
As freelance writers we want to write something for which we can be paid. That means we have to come up with an idea, write enough of a pitch or outline an article, then set it on the query pole and send it spinning on its way. Then we do it again and again and again until we get a response of YES from an editor.
Once that answer comes, we are busy spinning the drafting pole. How many words did we promise in length? We told the editor we could have the final copy ready by when? What could we have been thinking? This pole has to move fast, fast, fast if we don’t want to break the plate that also holds our future career with this publication.
Sometimes we have to do research which sets the next pole into motion as we try to find the facts we need to support the article or book we are writing. Check and double check, locate a reliable source, and attempt to do it all within the confines of our already ridiculous daily schedule.
Then there is the editing pole. This pole can start in motion all by itself at a moment’s notice and have a killer deadline. “I’ve attached the final edits on your 70,000 words manuscript. Take a look at it and get it back to us as soon as possible. We’d like to go to print the day after tomorrow.” What?! All other spinning plates may suddenly find themselves in jeopardy of falling as you give your full attention to maintaining this one. There’s no way you can let your book or article be printed without having one last chance to make sure nothing horrible has happened during typesetting. Your writer’s reputation depends on it.
If you’ve written a book, once it’s published, along come the marketing and promotion poles, which sometimes work in tandem, but often mean extra work as you try to increase your sales. Interviews, book launch parties, bookstore signings, TV appearances, blog tours, conference presentations, social networking—and the list goes on.
In the meantime, you’re back at pole one, working on the next pitch, writing the next piece for publication, and doing all in your power to keep all of those poles and the plates on top spinning in full action.
All because we want to be a paid writer.
Oh, and don’t forget the other poles you might be spinning—another job, a husband and children, church and service obligations, friendships, and even finding time for yourself can all have plates that must keep spinning.
With all this spinning, I’m suddenly finding myself a little dizzy. I think I’ll take a break from writing.
But I promise, I won’t be gone another two years before you hear back from this plate spinner. As a matter of fact, I already have an idea for next week’s blog entry...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Monday Mania--First Page
One of our readers submitted a first page for critique. A first page of a manuscript must hook an agent or editor. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive: 0040
A fistful of mayonnaise makes a decent projectile in a pinch. If I'd been thinking more clearly, I would have grabbed a handful of jalapenos instead, but my vision did this red blurry anger thing and when I ran after Brandon Willardson's black Jeep, what I threw was . . . mayo. It's probably harder to clean up and it's better that way, really. I owe him twice that for the garbage he pulled in my store. I only wish I didn't mean that literally.
I trudged back inside, satisfied with the nasty splat the mayo made before it oozed down Brandon's pristine paint job. It was only fair considering the disaster he left behind him in the sandwich shop. I pushed the door open and it swept aside approximately fourteen thousand of the napkins Brandon and his lame friends had strewn all over the floor. Katie and Tara huddled behind the sandwich bar like the sneeze guard was their last line of defense against me. Which it was.
I said nothing, just stared. Katie cracked first, like I knew she would.
“I'm so sorry,” she said, verging on a blubber. “I don't know what happened!”
I lifted one eyebrow slowly, the way my mom does when we're in trouble and you know the longer it takes to reach its full arch, the more trouble you're in. Even mouthy Tara shifted nervously now. I slowly scanned the wreckage inside Handy's Dandy Sandwiches and then eyeballed them again. “How do you not see this coming?”
A high pitched seal bark escaped Katie. It was her nervous laugh, an involuntary reflex that I hoped for the sake of her future social life, she outgrew soon. Her laugh had summoned me from the back office to catch Brandon Willardson's Band of Merry Idiots wreaking their usual havoc in the dining area. Like his older brothers before him, Brandon had no regard for rules, common sense, or (it could be argued) common decency. Just ask his numerous mooning victims.
Critique Archive: 0040
A fistful of mayonnaise makes a decent projectile in a pinch. If I'd been thinking more clearly, I would have grabbed a handful of jalapenos instead, but my vision did this red blurry anger thing and when I ran after Brandon Willardson's black Jeep, what I threw was . . . mayo. It's probably harder to clean up and it's better that way, really. I owe him twice that for the garbage he pulled in my store. I only wish I didn't mean that literally.
I trudged back inside, satisfied with the nasty splat the mayo made before it oozed down Brandon's pristine paint job. It was only fair considering the disaster he left behind him in the sandwich shop. I pushed the door open and it swept aside approximately fourteen thousand of the napkins Brandon and his lame friends had strewn all over the floor. Katie and Tara huddled behind the sandwich bar like the sneeze guard was their last line of defense against me. Which it was.
I said nothing, just stared. Katie cracked first, like I knew she would.
“I'm so sorry,” she said, verging on a blubber. “I don't know what happened!”
I lifted one eyebrow slowly, the way my mom does when we're in trouble and you know the longer it takes to reach its full arch, the more trouble you're in. Even mouthy Tara shifted nervously now. I slowly scanned the wreckage inside Handy's Dandy Sandwiches and then eyeballed them again. “How do you not see this coming?”
A high pitched seal bark escaped Katie. It was her nervous laugh, an involuntary reflex that I hoped for the sake of her future social life, she outgrew soon. Her laugh had summoned me from the back office to catch Brandon Willardson's Band of Merry Idiots wreaking their usual havoc in the dining area. Like his older brothers before him, Brandon had no regard for rules, common sense, or (it could be argued) common decency. Just ask his numerous mooning victims.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday Mania--Query Letter
One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0039:
Agent name
Literary Agency
Address
Dear Agent,
Georgina Blackinsworth is not a typical eighteen-year-old girl. While other girls attend dance and piano lessons, she gets combat, weaponry, and assassination training. Not only that, but her dad puts her through “If this happens . . .” drills to make sure she is prepared for all possible scenarios. Now, as her classmates focus on high school graduation, Georgie finds herself locked in a family battle.
Kent Blackinsworth, Georgie’s dad, leaves town and fails to return. Georgie thinks it’s just another drill and blows off all signs indicating otherwise until she finds a letter which explains why she’ll never be typical and leaves her doubting if her dad is alive. Now she must discover the location of a family vault while avoiding her murderous aunt Edith.
With the help of her best friend Jake, Georgie begins a journey full of clues and discoveries. She finds she is falling in love with Jake and trusting him despite all evidence telling her she is making a mistake. As trust fights against her an ultimatum is set: find the vault she knows nothing about or Dad dies.
Encoded Secrets is my first young adult mystery, adventure novel complete at 77,000 words. I hold a Master Degree in Music and have taught in the public school systems. I am an active member of the American Night Writers Association and attend as many writing conferences as possible. If you are interested in Encoded Secrets I would be happy to forward you the complete manuscript. I have included the first fifty pages in the body of the email.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
*Author*
My contact information
Critique Archive 0039:
Agent name
Literary Agency
Address
Dear Agent,
Georgina Blackinsworth is not a typical eighteen-year-old girl. While other girls attend dance and piano lessons, she gets combat, weaponry, and assassination training. Not only that, but her dad puts her through “If this happens . . .” drills to make sure she is prepared for all possible scenarios. Now, as her classmates focus on high school graduation, Georgie finds herself locked in a family battle.
Kent Blackinsworth, Georgie’s dad, leaves town and fails to return. Georgie thinks it’s just another drill and blows off all signs indicating otherwise until she finds a letter which explains why she’ll never be typical and leaves her doubting if her dad is alive. Now she must discover the location of a family vault while avoiding her murderous aunt Edith.
With the help of her best friend Jake, Georgie begins a journey full of clues and discoveries. She finds she is falling in love with Jake and trusting him despite all evidence telling her she is making a mistake. As trust fights against her an ultimatum is set: find the vault she knows nothing about or Dad dies.
Encoded Secrets is my first young adult mystery, adventure novel complete at 77,000 words. I hold a Master Degree in Music and have taught in the public school systems. I am an active member of the American Night Writers Association and attend as many writing conferences as possible. If you are interested in Encoded Secrets I would be happy to forward you the complete manuscript. I have included the first fifty pages in the body of the email.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
*Author*
My contact information
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Congrats to . . .
If you are a blog follower and have a new release, please let us know. We are happy to announce it here!
Congratulations to Dean Murray, on his new book, Frozen Prospects:
Congratulations to Dean Murray, on his new book, Frozen Prospects:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
