Monday Mania--Query Letter

Two of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.


QUERY #1
Critique Archive 0030:

To The Editor,

Eden has a new, blue umbrella, and its not your average ho-hum, every-day umbrella,this is the kind of umbrella that can sweep a girl off her feet! Which is just what happens to Eden in this adventre story for kids aged about 2 to 5 years old.

I see from my research that you are interested in fresh imaginative picture books,and I hope this manuscript will fit your list well.

My completed manuscript is XXX words, and is enclosed along with an SASE.

Thank you for your consideration,

The Author

********************************************

QUERY #2
Critique Archive 0031:

Dear Agent:

On the game board of Ancient Greece, mortals are despised, but not dispensable, creatures, for it is their worship that is the basis of the Gods’ power. Robbed of this power and stripped of her Godhood by her sister Hera, abandoned by her lover Zeus, Demeter finds herself in the position of a pawn, moved hither and thither by the Gods’ whims.

Living as a mortal, Demeter must bring her child into the world and raise her without all the privilege and power she possessed as one of Olympus' chosen. A mother Goddess who has no desire to be a mother, Demeter grows increasingly bitter under the burden of motherhood and her mortal life. She vents her anger on the one she should love best, her daughter, Persephone.

Persephone seeks solace from her mother’s wrath in the forest surrounding the village in which they live. On one such foray, Persephone plucks a narcissus growing at the mouth of a cavern. The cavern spews out a chariot bearing Persephone’s fate in its basket; Hades, ruler of the dead. He abducts Persephone, carries her to his realm and forces her to share her body and her bed with him.

Frantic at Persephone’s loss, desperate, now that her daughter is beyond her reach, to recompense for all the ways she wronged Persephone, Demeter sets out on a quest for Persephone’s freedom that takes her from Poseidon’s depths to Olympus’s heights. Zeus restores Demeter’s Godhood, but refuses to command Hades to release Persephone.

With a wealth of power once again at her disposal Demeter is free to manipulate the mortal world in any way necessary to gain her daughter’s freedom. Her only consideration is how many mortals it will be necessary to destroy before Zeus feels his throne tilt beneath him and comes to heel.

As Demeter schemes for her release in the Upper World, Persephone formulates plan after plan of escape in the Under; all of which Hades thwarts. However, daily pressed into proximity with this dark God, Persephone finds his impassive exterior hides a kind man, whose need for love and compassion surpass even her own. Unaware of Demeter’s cruel plan and what her continued absence from the Upper World means to the mortals who dwell there, Persephone begins to wonder if escape is truly what she wants.

SEEDS, a historical fantasy, is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


AUTHOR

A Few Things I've Learned

by Annette Lyon

1) While writing is a solitary act, you can't be successful alone.

I must have friends who write, who "get" the writing side of who I am, who can cheer me on, who can sympathize with rejections, and more.

2) I need solid feedback.

That means the good as well as the bad. That also means developing a thick skin, something that took years. But I've reached the point where sometimes I panic if I can't get a certain people's critiques because I just know I might be missing something big they could point out to help me improve.

3) Enjoy the journey.

I must. Because the journey is filled with ups as well as downs. There are fantastic highs and glorious vistas. But hideous lows and gaping valleys separate them, and when you're breathing hot dust and feeling blistering sunburns, it's hard to remember that you might be nearing the top of a beautiful peak again very soon . . . and that you've already had several.

4) Look back at how far you've come.

I used to think I hadn't learned much or advanced very far in my skills. Then I attended a conference where I kept hearing questions from attendees that I thought were so elementary and obvious I couldn't figure out why anyone was asking them. Then it dawned on me: I hadn't known the answers to those same questions five years previous. Maybe I had learned something. And the same thing happened when I suddenly started winning awards and getting a few articles published. And then I could look at another person's work and be able to not only know what worked or didn't but why. Give yourself credit for where you've been and how far you've come.

5) Don't discredit what you do.

If writing is important to you, it's important. It's matters. No, you might not ever win a Nobel for literature. So what? If you are pursuing whatever goals you've set for yourself (whether that's journaling for an audience of one, doing freelance articles, publishing novels, or something else), work toward that. And don't let anyone tell you it's silly.

6) Writer's block is real, but there's always a way around it.

The block is really mental warfare with your inner creative child. It's fear. It's anxiety. It's a bunch of things. Learn what works for you. Usually you can trick yourself out of being afraid or psyche yourself into working around the block using various tools. Sometimes that tool is time.

7) Talent is born within you, but skill is developed.

You cannot teach someone to have raw talent. That is something that you're either born with or you're not. But that talent must be honed into a skill. Someone with a small amount of talent can still develop a great amount of skill if they have enough drive. But there are a handful of people who have zero in-born talent. Those people will never develop the skill. They can't "get" it no matter how hard someone tries to teach them and no matter how big their drive is to learn.

8) Time isn't found; it's made.

Everyone has 24 hours in their day. It also appears that everyone has a book in them, and if they "just had the time," they'd write it. Well, time doesn't drop into my lap. I make time. Those wannabe writers will never get their book written. While they're watching TV (or filling their day with whatever else), I'm writing.

9) Ideas are everywhere.

If you worry that you'll run out of places to find ideas, you aren't really a writer. Watch. Look listen. Ideas are everywhere.

10) I love what I do.

I'm a mom and a writer. There's nothing else I'd rather be.

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0029:

Dear XXXX,

“Waves” is a completed 96,000 word Young Adult novel that shares the emotional story of a young girl as she adjusts to big changes in her life. Alyssa's mother passed away the previous fall and her dad has recently remarried a woman who has two children of her own. Alyssa is having a hard time adjusting to this new family, especially to her attractive step-sister, Jessica, who is just one year older than Alyssa. She is determined, however, not to let jealousy get in her way. She will have the best summer of her life . . . or will she?

Alyssa Chamberlain is determined that this summer will be one filled with romance and fun, unlike summers past, as she returns to her family’s beach house for their annual three-month vacation. But, things will be different this year for other reasons. Alyssa quickly succeeds in her mission to have an amazing summer, hanging out with old friends and falling in love with someone new, Ethan Andrews. But, as Ethan begins to constantly argue with his older brother, Mason, it becomes obvious they are hiding something. Alyssa struggles to understand their tense relationship and swears to herself that she will uncover their family secret. However, what they are hiding goes beyond her wildest imagination and her acceptance of it can only go so far as she tries to comprehend exactly what the two brothers and their dad are up to. It's a mystery that she insists on solving, even if it means losing her first true-love.

She discovers that they have been drugging girls and taking their blood. They then alter it in a way so that, when injected into themselves, it dramatically slows their aging process. Can her relationship with Ethan move past this deception? She isn't sure it can when she learns that Ethan's brother is actually his father, and who she knew as his father is actually his grandpa. The only thread of hope she can cling to is that Ethan himself hasn't been injected with the stolen blood. However, that could change at any time. Vampires aren't the only ones who want your blood.

“Waves” is my first novel, which I have put many hours of writing and research into in order to create an incredible situation and make it become feasible. I am currently working on a sequel so that my readers can continue to follow Alyssa’s journey as she starts her senior year of high school with new self-confidence.

I have enclosed a synopsis (???, the first three chapters???) and a SASE for your reply. If you are interested, I would be happy to send the completed manuscript.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

AUTHOR

Anachronisms & Other Ways to Make Readers Snicker

by Annette Lyon

Anachronisms are hysterical in fiction . . . and usually not in the way the author of a piece intended.

An anachronism is something stuck in a place where it doesn't fit in time. A really, really bad one would be giving a caveman a car. That's a bit too obvious, something no writer would ever accidentally do, but writers put in anachronisms all the time in more subtle ways.

While this is relevant to me as a historical writer, the overall concept is crucial for all writers to keep in mind, particularly in the revision stage, so read on.

For me, I constantly have to research bits and pieces to make sure that certain vocabulary, hair styles, household items, and so on were in use when I place them into a story.

Could Joe use a match to light a fire in this year? Can Sally eat a "cookie" in that year? Would David have access to envelopes in this location at this time? When did diamond rings become common symbols of engagements?

Those are the kinds of things writers pay attention to in their research. Where writers often lose focus is inadvertently throwing in common expressions that don't work for the time period of the book.

For example, a bad anachronism would be for a character from Shakespeare's time to say, "We're really off track."

The problem? "Off track" came from railroads. And yeah . . . railroads didn't exist in Shakespeare's time, so someone from that period wouldn't know what the phrase means.

So why is this important if you don't write historical fiction? Because this is one more way you can mess things up by imposing your mindset onto your characters.

The writer must always remember how the CHARACTER would really think and feel and relate to his or her world.

Luke Skywalker would never say he's "shell-shocked," even if what he's feeling would apply to our definition of that term. He'd use some other way to describe the feeling, because "shell-shocked" is World War II lingo.

When Lizzy from Pride and Prejudice discovers Darcy's involvement in saving her family's name, she'd never have said that he "stepped up to the plate." That's an American baseball term from the 20th century, for starters, one that didn't exist when the book was written. So granted, Jane Austen couldn't have used it, but someone trying to write a P&P sequel today could, and would really mess it up.

Another phrase I came across in a historical novel recently was, "We should give it a shot." I don't know for sure when that phrase came about, but the novel was set a long time ago, so the sentence jumped out as not belonging. It sounded way too modern for the context. I stopped believing the writer. These kinds of things just don't work.

Another warning: too much colloquial phrasing will date a contemporary book too; avoid anything too dated, even if it's dated as now.

In one book, the characters were from the early 1800s, and one referred to his mother as "pushing his buttons."

Um . . . which buttons would those be? The ones on his shirt? Because, yeah, well, hate to say this, but see, computers and other things with buttons that can be pushed . . . weren't invented when this guy supposedly lived.

What this writer needed was an idiom, term, or phrase from the early 1800s that would give the reader the same feel as "pushing my buttons" does today, but that came from the right period. They also needed something matching the character's personality. Instead, what we got was the writer's voice intruding on the story, the writer's point of view.

Sadly, it was hard to get immersed in the book when the author kept poking their nose into the story. I was painfully aware that they weren't fully into the characters' minds and hearts, let alone fully into the time period.

One of my favorite stories of this kind of revision (for the better!) is in Michele Paige Holmes's newest book, All the Stars in Heaven. She's used this example in a workshop herself when teaching how to get into characters' heads.

She originally wrote a scene where Jay, her hero, listens to the heroine, Sarah, sing a choir solo for the first time. He is blown away by her voice and says it's one of the most amazing things he's ever heard.

The rough draft had him compare her voice to an angel's. But then Michele realized that Jay wouldn't say that kind of thing. He's manly and tough. He wouldn't think in terms of angelic choirs. He loves and plays rock music.

Her final version says that Sarah's performance was the most amazing thing he'd ever heard with the possible exception of Hendrix playing "The Star Spangled Banner."

I love that change. It's true-blue Jay, precisely how he'd think. It's okay that Michele's rough draft had the angelic bit. We all have rough drafts that aren't perfect (that's why they're called rough). And frankly, the original wasn't bad. But the final version was perfect: just how Jay would think and express himself. Michele stepped aside as the author and let him speak.

Be sure that when you do those later passes over your manuscript for revision that you read each scene with an eye out for when you're really in your characters' heads. Is this really how they'd see each situation? Or is it your lens that we're looking through?

Ask yourself: Is there anything that I, as the writer, am putting in that doesn't belong?

Would your character really say it this way, think this particular thought?

Are you expressing your opinion or your characters'? Your world view or theirs?

Worse, did you inadvertently throw in an anachronism?

Another gem I caught recently: "No, way."

In context, it sounded just like a Valley Girl from 1988. The problem? The story was set during the time of pirates.

I closed the book, tempted to walk around the house, flipping my hair, snapping gum, and going, "Like, totally argh, Matey."

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0028:

Agent Name
Agent Address

Date

Dear _____________,

To most, the word ‘coma’ conveys dreaded images: a living but lifeless body, a trapped, dormant mind. But is the mind trapped and dormant? What if, severed from physical ties, our consciousness migrates to another state—a holding place—a paradise, or purgatory? And do the lies we’ve lived and told ourselves determine which state it is?

In my 90,000 word novel, Where Paradise Lies, brothers David and William Jenner seek redemption. Purpose and peace elude them until a final tragedy strikes, bringing death to one and leaving the other in a coma.

Waking on a transcendental island, unable to remember who he is, the adventure begins. Is it William or David searching for the paradise his physical life never held? Will the arrival of a mysterious woman destroy or mend what is left of his life before the coma ends?

Currently, I have two books in print, Orinoco Intrigue and The Garden Gate, published by Latter Day Specialties. I am a member of the Absolutely Write chapter of the League of Utah Writers, in Ogden, Utah, and have led a critique group for ten years.

Enclosed is the first chapter of my novel, as well as a synopsis and SASE for your convenience. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


AUTHOR

Fall 2009 Writers Conference in Utah

They are still going:

SCBWI Conference: November 13-14, 2009

The Annual Society of Children's Book Writers & Illustrator's (SCBWI) Conference in Salt Lake City, November 13-14, 2009 at the City Library (210 East 400 South, Salt Lake City). Speakers will include Egmont USA editor Elizabeth Law, Book Stop Literary agent Kendra Marcus, and Simon and Schuster art director Laurent Linn. Guest authors will be Royce Buckingham (Demonkeeper), Bree Despain (The Dark Divine), Bobbie Pyron (The Ring), Jean Reagan (Always My Brother), and Sydney Salter (Jungle Crossing). Plus, a Friday writing intensive with Terri Farley (author of the Phantom Stallion series).

The workshop on Friday will be from 2-4:30pm.
Cost $25/SCBWI members, $35/non-members.

Satuday will be from 9:30am-5:15pm.
Cost $85/SCBWI members, $100/non-members.
To register go to the scbwi website @ www.scbwi-utah-idaho.org or email Sydney Salter Husseman at u.i.scbwi@mindspring.com for a PDF of the brochure.

Monday Mania--Query

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0027:


October 22, 2009

Dear xxxx,

I spoke with you at the BYU Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers Conference where you expressed an interest in mid-grade contemporary fantasy. Most boys dream of being super heroes, but in my 40,000 word novel, Eddie and the Magic Staff, disabled twelve-year-old Eddie Davenport dreams of being normal, until the day he disappears down a sinkhole and finds a magic staff that cures him—while he holds it.

Trapped beneath the earth, Eddie rouses Afvyra, last of the dragons, from centuries of slumber. “Dragons aren’t real,” Eddie said. “It’s a dream, or a really good movie effect.’”

To escape the dragon’s wrath Eddie must choose to keep the staff, or relinquish his new found freedom to buy his sister’s life. Will he discover in time that he is more than his disability, and that true magic lies within?

Eddie and the Magic Staff received an honorable mention in the 2009 League of Utah Writer’s Tween Book competition. My writing has also been published in LDS Living Magazine. I am the Vice President of the Absolutely Write chapter of the League of Utah Writers.

As the mother of two disabled boys I have unique insight into the inner struggle of disabled children and feel this enables me to accurately portray the search for acceptance Eddie experiences in Eddie and the Magic Staff.

I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you. I have enclosed a SASE and the first three chapters for your review.

Sincerely,

Author