Monday Mania--Query Letter

Critique Archive #56

 

One of our readers has submitted a query for critique. Please offer only constructive comments. 

 Dear XXXX,

We usually think of amnesia resulting from an accident or other incident. But what if your brain did it all on its own?

My novel The Naked Wolf is based on my real struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and disassociation, which I developed through a life-threatening experience.

In The Naked Wolf, Angie and Adam connect through similar emotional wounds. Adam is a Special Forces combat veteran who raises wolves. Because they’ve been through similar experiences, he recognizes a kindred spirit in Angie. While Adam helps Angie past her fear of men and sex, she falls desperately in love with him and is certain he feels the same—until he tells her he’s planning on moving and rejoining the military. Assuming he’s breaking up with her, Angie has a panic attack. Her brain shuts off and erases him from her memory. Maybe even worse, her brain creates a replacement for Adam. What starts out as a dream becomes a nightmare for them both, and one that is destined to end in tragedy.

An excerpt of this novel was published in Touchstones literary magazine and won 2^nd place in their prose publication contest. A short story of mine Married Dating was also published in Touchstones, where it won 1st place. I’ve been a freelance journalist for St. George Neighborhoods and a staff writer for the Hurricane Valley Journal.

 Thank you for your time and consideration. As your website suggests, I have included the first two chapters.

Sincerely,

AUTHOR

Monday Mania--Query Letter

Critique Archive #55

One of our readers has submitted a query for critique. Please offer only constructive comments. 

 

Subject: query. Cats and Dogs Tell No Tales.

 

Dear AGENT, 

     Cats and Dogs Tell No Tales is a fun filled book for the middle school girl.  Emma, the storyteller, shares her first experiences as a student witch.  Her neighbors have been turned into familiars for the local coven.  Anyone that gets to nosy or bothersome is turned into a cat or dog by her grandmother.
     Harry, a neighbor, familiar, and a Jack Russell Terrier mix is the instigator of an animal revolt and supposedly holds the key to everlasting youth. It is a completed novel (19,138 words.)

     This is my first novel for the middle school age student.  It was inspired by the exploits of my granddaughter. Both her and her best friend have actually tried (unsuccessfully) love spells. 

      My father introduced me to writing and literature just as I share literature with my granddaughter. I am a retired RN and have a B.A. from Barat College in Lake Forest, Illinois and Loyola University in Chicago. I have recently published my first adult novel which is the beginning of a historical paranormal romance trilogy. This was my driving force to produce this book. 

      Please enjoy reading the 10 pages I have include in this e-mail. I sent 10 pages because the first few are just the cast of characters but pertinent to the story. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

 

AUTHOR

 

Monday Mania--Query Letter

Critique Archive #54

One of our readers has submitted a query for critique. Please offer only constructive comments. 

Date

Agent/ OR name

Agent/ OR address

Dear Agent/OR,

Doesn’t everyone wonder when it’s their time to die?

One mother, Vera, seems to know.

Statements of, “If I make it till Christmas” are heard quite often.

And what would you do if you thought you had killed your own mother?

When Vera dies and comes back from the dead to tell her daughter, Kathie, “I am alive, I did not die!” Kathie is not surprised by her mother’s courage and strength to reach through the veil, after all, her mother had hitch-hiked thousands of miles with her three small children without a penny to her name in order to save her children’s lives while she was alive. Why would she not continue to watch over them?

           

Vera leads her daughters, Kathie, and Donna, to greater Awareness and Healing through her 'Watching over them while in Spirit' and at times 'PLAYING TRICKS' to get their attention. While Kathie learns to communicate with the dead, Donna wants nothing more than to be left alone.  The experiences detailed are astounding. 

This book was first written on the devastation of a beloved mother's journey through three major strokes and the decision of whether or not to prolong her life.  It soon expanded into a most amazing ‘Afterlife’ story that will astonish even the harshest skeptic for once this portal from another dimension is opened numerous soul’s follow.

This book is also written about the extraordinary life Vera’s daughter, Kathie, has experienced. After being abducted as a very young child and then almost dying by electrocution at the age of seven only ‘Divine Intervention’ could bring such a child into the world of the fully living. And this is only the beginning for now Kathie has been given several gifts to share with others such as messages given by Divinity, specifically, Mother Mary, and our Lord. Included also, a miraculous spirit photograph given as confirmation of an earlier visitation. And, Kathie no longer thinks of so-called death, as an end – only the most precious of beginnings for she has seen her mother’s Spirit - ‘THE VERY ESSENCE OF GOD’ exit her mother’s mouth upon her final breath.  Kathie experiences both a Heavenly state and a Heavenly place, talks to the dead, receives spiritual teachings, has psychic visions, and remains present in the dreamscape.  How can Kathie actually be aware enough in a dream to ask her mother, “Momma, is there really a Heaven?” And further, ask God, “Please God, let me wake up!”

And what would you do if you saw your brother who committed suicide alive and well when you’d been told he’d gone to Hell?

I have enclosed the beginning of my manuscript ‘I AM ALIVE, I DID NOT DIE!’

along with a few key sections.  Included also is a SASE for your convenience.  Thank you for your consideration.  I look forward to an opportunity to share the entire manuscript with you soon.

Sincerely,

Author

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments. 

 Critique Archive #53 

Dear Ms.  ****  ,

            The Ninth has been chosen and the Shadow Wraiths have been summoned to destroy him. . . .

It’s normal for sixteen-year-old Macy Burdow to be awakened in the middle of the night to fight off demons; she’s a member of the Chosen, a group of humans selected to protect mankind from the monsters of the Hidden Race. But tonight is no ordinary night in the life of a Chosen. The Ninth has been discovered and Forrest Bastian, Macy's Watcher, has been elected to train and protect the child of prophecy. But when Bastian is murdered the responsibility of teaching and training the Ninth falls to Macy; except Tolen Parks is no small child, he’s seventeen, a clueless wimp, and Macy blames him for Bastian’s death. How can she train and protect someone she hates?

Macy must overcome her resentment, see Tolen for who he truly is and fulfill her role in his destiny. If she doesn’t the demons of the Dark will not stop until they kill him. Without the Ninth the delicate balance between the human and Hidden worlds will collapse and allow the release of an army of evil with a single goal—to destroy the human race and claim this world as their own. . . .

THE LEGEND OF THE NINTH CHOSEN: THE SHADOW PRISON is a 90,000 word YA Contemporary Fantasy, grounded in reality, that pulls the reader in with action, suspense, and a touch of romance; while showing through the points of view of both Macy and Tolen that love, friendship, and loyalty are the most powerful weapons in the war against evil.

I have published a short story with ….  and when I’m not spending time with my husband and two boys camping, watching Ice Age and Merlin marathons, or playing with our motley crew of animals, I’m daydreaming, writing, painting, or volunteering with a local youth group of twelve to eighteen-year-old girls. I enjoy reading many of your book suggestions on goodreads and I would like to think my style compares to that of Lesley Livingston and Ally Condie. I hope my novel can find a place with you as well.  

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

****Author

            

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments. 

 Critique Archive #52 

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

When Jared McAlister, in New York on business, sees the woman he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with walking down the street, all his anger and unanswered questions come flooding back. Why did Cecelia Chadwick disappear without a word and why did she lead him to believe they had a future together only to vanish? Jared is a successful attorney at the largest law firm in Dallas. As he tries to curb the spending habits of his girlfriend, who is pressuring him to ‘pop’ the question, he also fights against a domineering father. But when he sees the girl he believed would share his future in the city he hates, he finds his quests for unanswered questions isn’t as strong as his desire to be with her again.

Cecelia is a talented interior designer, making her mark in the Big Apple after years of hard work, yet she leads a lonely life, unable to move on from her first love, her only love and unwilling to settle for less. As Jared fights for a new beginning, Cecelia struggles to leave the past behind—both unaware they are being followed and money will change hands for Cecelia to disappear again.

ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK is my first novel. At 110,000 words, I believe it will appeal to contemporary romance fans. I’m beginning to build a platform with Facebook and Twitter. I’m in the early stages of learning to blog and my next step will be a website. I follow and interact with numerous authors on blogs, Facebook, by email, and on Goodreads. I’m an avid reader and a passionate writer with many stories to tell.

I appreciate your time in considering my query. I have included the first ten pages of my novel, my synopsis, and a brief bio. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Author
Address
 Phone

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #51

Dear [Agent],

300 years ago Ciara Lovel refused to marry Giovanni Berlusconi to be with another man.

Giovanni, now known as Charley Bersley, wants her all the same after three long centuries. Relentlessly he seeks to get back at Ciara for not wanting him the same way he lusts after her.

Ciara is a talented violinist in this life. She desperately tries to find work after she took a break from playing professionally seven years ago. Though, performing is her calling. But after she witnessed the death of her father and her ex-agent Charley Bersley sexually abused her, an involuntary break was necessary.

Finally offered an arrangement in her birth city Vienna, Ciara flies to Austria and almost immediately after her arrival is sucked into a web of lies and mysterious incidences.

Someone breaks into her hotel room, sabotages her newfound career as a professional violinist, and attempts to drive her off the road. Ciara cannot get rid of the feeling that someone has deliberately been trying to lure her to Vienna and that she was now exactly where they wanted her to be.

To complicate matters, she is unwillingly attracted to the producer of the arrangement. A gorgeous subject of the male species, named Raphael O’Malley. She feels as if she knows him intimately, but laughs at her feelings because she doesn’t believe in stupid things like karma, fate and that kind of stuff.

Ciara’s own past is going to prove her wrong as she faces the product of the man that has been unknowingly stalking her for the past 300 years. She must protect her family from harm and this time around, keep the one man she has ever loved alive.

I read in Writer’s Digest that you’re interested in paranormal romance. BUTTERFLY is my 100,000 word debut novel and I think that it might interest you.

I’m a violinist and was born in Vienna, Austria. Currently, I’m living in Salt Lake City and working on my next novel.

I’d be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
[Author]

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #50

Dear [Agent],

Seventeen-year-old Julienne White arrives in the town of Luray on a stretcher. At the hospital, she discovers the bone-deep gash in her leg is gone. Dresden, the boy who saved her from the horrific car accident, claims she was never hurt. She can’t decide if she’s crazy or he’s hiding something.

Julienne is afraid to fall in love and struggles with her increasing feelings for Dresden. When Dresden keeps materializing out of nowhere to save Julienne’s life, she discovers that he has unique powers. She has no idea that Dresden is part of The Trinity, a trio that is destined to guard her from Zamir.

Zamir is stealing powers from people like Dresden and turning everyone into his slaves by giving them magical necklaces that promise the power they’ve always wanted, but their powers come at a price, instead, they become his slaves.

A world unknown is opened up to Julienne when she finds that she’s the only one who can yield the Silvian necklace, a necklace that can countermand the spell that keeps Zamir from dying. Everything rests on her shoulders.

TRINITY is the first of a YA Fantasy Romance trilogy. The first completed novel of 82,000 words is available for your review.

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #49

Dear [AGENT]:

She loves him, but he is in love with a ghost.

In Shadows, a young adult paranormal romance, high school senior Samantha Bell is falling hard for her best friend, Mark Baxter, but complications from his past begin to haunt them as Mark’s former girlfriend, Kate Duncan, appears. Oh, and Kate is dead.

Sam (Samantha) soon experiences the frustration in dealing with a spurned ghost who can appear at any time and interrupt any moment, but then the real dilemma unfolds.

Sam learns that Kate, who died in the mid-eighteen hundreds, was cursed by someone she once trusted. Kate is stuck in the mortal realm, never to cross over and be at rest, but she was promised that her true love will die and join her before he turns nineteen. Kate thought this could never happen since the living can’t even see her, let alone love her—until she met Mark who can do both. Mark will turn nineteen next year.

Now Sam, jealous of a freaking ghost, is forced to endure the heartbreak of doomed love but keep Mark in the dark about his impending demise. She must do this as she juggles school, friends and family who can’t see the irritating Kate, and figure out why an attractive guy named Peter is stalking her.

When Sam learns Peter is also a ghost and is trying to protect her, Sam’s world shifts even more as the isolated situation with Kate opens up into something Sam isn’t sure she wants to be a part of; a world where ghosts aren’t just harmless specters who slam doors and throw dishes.

I believe Shadows, completed at 78,000 words, would be a good fit for you and I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[AUTHOR]

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #48

Dear AGENT,

Abbey Long believes her only option after shooting her mother’s boyfriend is to run away. Not only does she run away from home, her memories, and the past—but from the law as well. What Abbey doesn’t know, is she’s a schizophrenic, who hears and sees what others do not. Making her way from town to town, Abbey travels further from help and deeper into a false reality.

Inside Abbey’s troubled mind, four distinct voices are guiding her to “the real world,” a place as mysterious as Abbey's mental condition. Abbey believes the only person who will know where and what it might be is her father. After three days of travelling with extreme paranoia, Abbey truly begins to question her decisions and the companions which dwell within her head, but by then, “the real world” is just around the corner.

Abbey shows up on her father’s doorstep, only to discover that he isn’t home, and hasn’t been for some time. Then, completing Abbey’s delusion, it suddenly all makes sense. “The real world” is death, to join her father would mean to use the very gun that began the journey. A choice will have to be made, one that will change her life forever.

VOICES UNSPOKEN, my first novel, is an edgy young adult novel complete at 43,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

AUTHOR

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #47

Dear (Agent),

How do you let go of the past when it haunts you every day? Nearly a year ago, 17-year-old Allie Collins almost drowned in a river by her family’s summer cabin. Failing to rescue her young cousin, Allie harbors her anguish and guilt, carrying them with her into a lonely existence. Forced to return to the cabin, Allie struggles with her grief as well as her complicated family dynamics. She is intrigued when she hears the rumor of how a family mysteriously died some years ago, not far from where her own tragedy occurred. Feeling strangely connected to the story, Allie sets out to discover the truth behind the secrecy. Meanwhile, Allie meets Damien, a local rebel with a shielded past. Drawn by Damien’s uncanny ability to help Allie share her darkest emotions, she embraces this relationship with little heed to the warnings from her friends and family. By the time Allie unearths the secrets of Damien’s youth, she discovers just how intricately they are connected, and is caught in a dangerous battle that threatens her life and those she loves.

Hidden Pines is a contemporary young adult novel that depicts a journey between heartbreak and healing, while testing friendship, loyalty, and love. My experience working with youth as a Recreational Therapist allows me to incorporate values and relevant themes that will entice young adult readers.

I look forward to sharing my 90,000 word manuscript with you. As instructed in your submission guidelines, I have included three sample chapters.

With appreciation,
(Author)

Monday Mania--First Page

One of our readers has submitted a first page for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #46

“Well, it’s not much, is it?”

The landlord’s forehead wrinkled up like crumpled paper. “I give you the deal of a lifetime, you tell me ‘not much?’”

Soren scratched his shoulder where the strap of his satchel had begun to rub through his thin shirt. His eyes scanned the building before him again. It looked like the innards of a sandwich squashed between two chunks of bread, pressed so close to the neighboring buildings that he doubted he could squeeze between the peeling old walls without turning sideways. A layer of grime coated the front windows and the door sagged pitifully crooked on its hinges. He thought the building might have been all white at one time, but now it displayed bare, muddy-looking brick with streaks of peeling gray and only specks of remaining white. An uneven patch of rough boards had been nailed just below one front window and Soren forced his eyes to the roof before he could think about a possibly gaping hole in the wall. The shingles were either missing or curling up on themselves like dead spiders; he winced at the prospect of placing buckets around the place to catch leaks. The thing did have two floors, but they couldn’t possibly amount to more than four rooms total, and only if two of those were bathrooms the size of broom-closets.

“It is affordable,” he admitted. He pursed his lips. “But it’s still not much.”
The landlord harrumphed. “This my only business vacancy. You don’t like? Go pay a fortune at someplace ‘much.’”

Soren chewed on his lip for a few seconds. He thought this would be an appropriate time to weigh his options, but found there was nothing he could put on the opposite side of the scale—the building before him really was the only thing he’d found that he could pay for. What had happened to the time when people could pay the same price for ten times the quality?

Of course, the answer to that was simple—the invasion had happened.

He sighed and held a hand out. “I’ll take it.”

With another harrumph, the landlord slapped a rusty key into his palm.

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #45

Dear Agent,

Why would a boy, who doesn't believe in magic, risk his life for a girl who exists only inside a mirror?

Ten Wicket, a high school outcast, bonds with a girl named, September Snow, who eventually goes on to become a Hollywood superstar. Mysteriously, once the spotlight falls on her, she will no longer have anything to do with him. While searching for answers, he discovers that the line between what's real and what's not, might have a few surprising jogs in it.

Mysterious reflections, powerful enemies, a mythical muse, a magic necklace and trips to a futuristic world are just a few of the twists that tie knots in Ten's pragmatic, left brain. His cynicism and cloaked vulnerability, courtesy of a rocky relationship with his parents and a cheating ex-girlfriend, ironically make Ten an easy mark for another complicated love entanglement. Along the way, the secret behind his and September's relationship, the girl in the mirror, dangers that await, and the answer to who Ten Wicket really is, begins to unravel.

WICKET, a YA, 150,000-word, fantasy-fiction novel (first in a series) weaves together mystery, adventure, suspense, fantasy, and romance cut in the shape of a triangle. At times, you will hate the characters, at times, you will love them. In every character, you will see yourself. It is, of course, a story about mirrors, but as with Ten, the magic really begins when looking beyond the reflection.

Thank you,

AUTHOR

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers has submitted a query letter for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.

Critique Archive #44

Dear Ms.****,

It was 2003 and I was living in Haiti and working for a volunteer medical organization when there was a coup to remove Jean Bertrand Aristide as the president of Haiti.

While experiencing the sounds and smells of war—the extreme isolation, the hovering military helicopters, the gunfire—I was also experiencing a fear of my best Haitian friend and a journey of extreme mental decline. This is when I began writing The Faces of Haiti, Belief or Truth—a scrapbook of memories about a single voluntary commitment which drastically changed the life of a woman who was confident, responsible, well educated, and respected, to a woman who suffered from extreme fear, serious mental decline and loss of the lifelong ability to make good decisions. Here is the story of a woman who could no longer define who was friend, lover, or foe—a woman, who, when looking in the mirror, no longer physically resembled herself.

The commitment and work required to aid a medical doctor and close friend, with the building of a physical rehabilitation program in Port au Prince, Haiti, began not only the growth of the well respected Non Governmental Organization which prospers today, but was also the catalyst in a personal endeavor that approached the precipice of insanity.

The organization, Healing Hands for Haiti, has provided care and limbs for the disabled, and the education in rehabilitation care for orphanages, hospitals, and many young Haitians. The organization is where I met my best friend; and then began a downhill slide into fear, insecurity, and paranoia. Yet that same organization gave me a chance many people never have to examine my life and the lives of others.

Hopefully I have conveyed that I have had the good fortune to separate my beliefs from truth. Learning that acceptance means an honest, non-judgmental examination of the truths and beliefs of all parties involved—including my own—and separating those beliefs from the customs of a country steeped in mystical traditions. Only then could I begin my uphill battle to regain the woman I once was.

I have been a medical social worker for twenty years, twelve years directly in Physical Rehabilitation Social Work. I began my yearly volunteer work with Healing Hands for Haiti by helping create the organization in 1998, and I moved to Haiti permanently to aid in building a new clinic in early 2004. I later moved into the community of Carrefour, Haiti to heal my mental health and begin to know Haiti and its people in an intimate and honest manner. It was in Carrefour where I experienced a new level of love and friendship.

I have attached the Table of Contents and sample chapters of my book The Faces of Haiti, Belief or Truth and hope you will find in them a desire to read more. Thank you for your consideration.

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0043:

Dear AGENT,

Because of your interest in young adult fiction with a historical bent, I’m sending you the first chapter of my novel Beyond the Fortune-Teller’s Tent.

Petra Baron, a senior at Arroyo Oaks High School, enters a fortune-teller’s tent at a Renaissance faire and exits into Elizabethan England. This detour into the past radically alters her carefully laid future plans. Despite her ambivalence towards her father’s recent remarriage, Petra is desperate to return to her life in Orange County, California. The seventeenth century presents all sorts of challenges -- a gypsy hunt, a demon dog named Black Shuck, and an overwhelming attraction to Emory Ravenswood. She also meets Friar Rohan, who challenges her to ask a new set of questions, “Instead of asking how, you should ask why you are here.”


When Petra returns to the here and now, she’s reunited with her newly created stepfamily emotionally as well as physically because of the lessons of love and loss learned in the Golden Age. She’s lost Emory. Or has she? Centuries apart but drawn together by extraordinary circumstances, can Petra and Emory survive the test of time? A first in a series, Beyond the Fortune-teller’s Tent is an 80,000 word novel.

I’ve been writing for a number of years. My second novel, The Promise, received an honorable mention in an international contest. My third novel, Hailey's Comments, was a semi-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest. My fifth novel, Stealing Mercy, placed second at the LDS Storymaker’s Conference first chapter contest in the historical category.

I studied English Literature at Brigham University and at BYU’s International Center in London. I’ve written for local newspapers and political campaigns. As former chapter president of a charitable organization, I’m frequently asked to speak publicly and I write my own addresses.

Currently, I’m president of Orange County Fictionaires, a local writing group. Neal Shusterman, award winning young adult author, and prolific romance writer Jacqueline Diamond, both friends and fellow Fictionaires, a have promised to speak kindly in my work’s behalf. Raymond Obstfeld, bestselling novelist, called my writing ‘intelligent, witty and strong,’ and Charles Salzberg, director of The New York Writer’s Workshops, was ‘impressed by my writing and characters.’ I hope you’ll feel the same. I look forward to hearing from you and I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0042:

Agent
Address, etc


Dear Agent:

I am seeking representation for the completed novel, Balance of Powers, comprising approximately 105,000 words. Balance of Powers takes us on an epic journey where three separate worlds are about to converge. This novel weaves together what I love most about fantasy adventure, science fiction and psychology, and will likely satisfy your interest in both epic fantasy and science fiction. The advanced science of the alien world Xo’lentia and epic adventures on the magical world of Ru’unta 3 are all tied together as our hero battles the corrosive thoughts of his own mind.

The future of each world hinges on the fate of one man–¬¬–Jared. There is one small problem for our unlikely hero, however. He has no idea who he is or where he came from. Only maddening glimpses of supposed memories plague his mind with self-doubt and loathing. Finding himself in a strange and foreign world full of magical beings and ominous creatures, Jared questions his abilities and purpose. Many have faith that he is the Foretold One, destined to save the planet from destruction.

Others would just as soon see him dead.

But that’s not all. Our unassuming hero has caught the attention of an advanced alien race as well, and some will stop at nothing to exploit Jared to find his home world, Dimension Earth.

Jared may be able to overcome the challenges of this dangerous planet with the help of those determined to protect him, but will he manage to work through his own destructive thoughts and beliefs? Planet Earth, Xo’lentia and Ru’unta 3 may all depend on it.

As a mental health counselor and a life long lover of science fiction and fantasy, I look forward to publishing this novel that ties them all together in an action packed adventure, full of interesting characters and landscapes. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
AUTHOR

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0041:

Dear AGENT:

The Trinity captures the epic journey of Julian White as she joins the Trinity, triplet teen boys Dresden, Ethan and Garrett, on discovering who they are and where they came from. The legendary royal Trinity are unaware that the hidden, mystical island of Athlendora is their true home. As infants, their parents brought them to the safety of the small town of Luray, Virginia for their protection against Zamir, the man determined to kill them because of the legend; for if it comes true, it will ruin his plans to become ruler of Athlendora.

Mathias, the Trinity’s father, is waiting to tell his boys about their history until they receive their powers at the age of eighteen. Little does he know that his boys have already received their powers—the ability to teleport among other things—much earlier then expected. While Mathias is out looking for his kidnapped wife whom is being held for ransom for the Cathriona—a necklace of magnificent power—the enemy is trying unsuccessfully to kill the Trinity. Mathias is alerted to the attacks when Ethan’s destined sword Leazar makes an appearance. Mathias is comforted that the sword has found its master for he knows the sword will tell Ethan what to do when danger is near.

Soon the Trinity’s bravery and power will be tested when an unexpected enemy breaks into their home and attacks them to retrieve the hidden Cathriona necklace.

The Trinity is the first of a trilogy that unfolds the romance between Dresden and Julian, the significant destiny of the Trinity, and the mysterious island of Athlendora.

Since you represent young adult romance novels, I feel you would be a good fit for my manuscript. The first completed novel of 80,000 words is available for your review.

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

WRITER

Monday Mania--First Page

One of our readers submitted a first page for critique. A first page of a manuscript must hook an agent or editor. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive: 0040

A fistful of mayonnaise makes a decent projectile in a pinch. If I'd been thinking more clearly, I would have grabbed a handful of jalapenos instead, but my vision did this red blurry anger thing and when I ran after Brandon Willardson's black Jeep, what I threw was . . . mayo. It's probably harder to clean up and it's better that way, really. I owe him twice that for the garbage he pulled in my store. I only wish I didn't mean that literally.

I trudged back inside, satisfied with the nasty splat the mayo made before it oozed down Brandon's pristine paint job. It was only fair considering the disaster he left behind him in the sandwich shop. I pushed the door open and it swept aside approximately fourteen thousand of the napkins Brandon and his lame friends had strewn all over the floor. Katie and Tara huddled behind the sandwich bar like the sneeze guard was their last line of defense against me. Which it was.

I said nothing, just stared. Katie cracked first, like I knew she would.

“I'm so sorry,” she said, verging on a blubber. “I don't know what happened!”

I lifted one eyebrow slowly, the way my mom does when we're in trouble and you know the longer it takes to reach its full arch, the more trouble you're in. Even mouthy Tara shifted nervously now. I slowly scanned the wreckage inside Handy's Dandy Sandwiches and then eyeballed them again. “How do you not see this coming?”

A high pitched seal bark escaped Katie. It was her nervous laugh, an involuntary reflex that I hoped for the sake of her future social life, she outgrew soon. Her laugh had summoned me from the back office to catch Brandon Willardson's Band of Merry Idiots wreaking their usual havoc in the dining area. Like his older brothers before him, Brandon had no regard for rules, common sense, or (it could be argued) common decency. Just ask his numerous mooning victims.

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0039:

Agent name
Literary Agency
Address

Dear Agent,

Georgina Blackinsworth is not a typical eighteen-year-old girl. While other girls attend dance and piano lessons, she gets combat, weaponry, and assassination training. Not only that, but her dad puts her through “If this happens . . .” drills to make sure she is prepared for all possible scenarios. Now, as her classmates focus on high school graduation, Georgie finds herself locked in a family battle.

Kent Blackinsworth, Georgie’s dad, leaves town and fails to return. Georgie thinks it’s just another drill and blows off all signs indicating otherwise until she finds a letter which explains why she’ll never be typical and leaves her doubting if her dad is alive. Now she must discover the location of a family vault while avoiding her murderous aunt Edith.

With the help of her best friend Jake, Georgie begins a journey full of clues and discoveries. She finds she is falling in love with Jake and trusting him despite all evidence telling her she is making a mistake. As trust fights against her an ultimatum is set: find the vault she knows nothing about or Dad dies.

Encoded Secrets is my first young adult mystery, adventure novel complete at 77,000 words. I hold a Master Degree in Music and have taught in the public school systems. I am an active member of the American Night Writers Association and attend as many writing conferences as possible. If you are interested in Encoded Secrets I would be happy to forward you the complete manuscript. I have included the first fifty pages in the body of the email.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


*Author*
My contact information

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0038:

Dear Ms. ______________________

He’s not in heaven, she’s no angel . . . and he’s her punishment.

Where Paradise Lies, a 98,000-word paranormal adventure, tells the story of two brothers: selfish and charismatic David Jenner, and good-hearted but easily manipulated Will Jenner. While being robbed, one is killed and the other mortally wounded. The surviving Jenner wakes on an uninhabited island with no idea how he got there or who he is. Unable to escape, Jenner’s prayers seem answered when a beautiful woman washes ashore. Then she says she knows him and he’s evil. She explains that they’re both in comas and the island is Purgatory. Fears, prejudices and growing attraction surface as they search for the purpose of their conjoined asylum. Then Jenner wakes up in his body. His memory is back and that makes all the difference. The clock is ticking. A comatose woman lies waiting. And drastic measures must be taken. The worst part is—the happily-ever-after involves dying.

I have two published novels, am a member of the League of Utah Writers, and have led a critique group since 1999. I am also a professional artist and have spent the last eleven years drawing portraits of deceased people in the arms of Jesus. I’ve interacted with the dying and bereaved, and see their innate cravings for peace. I’ve heard more than a few tragic stories, some with miraculous bitter-sweet endings. After years of reflection on the questions of life and death, the result is Where Paradise Lies.

May I send sample chapters and a synopsis, or the full manuscript? Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

AUTHOR

Encl.: SASE