One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0024:
Dear, XXXXXXXX
I am writing to introdouce Emergence, a 77,000 word work of specualtive fiction.
Killing an innocent man is not on corporate soldier Antony Danic’s list of things to do. Neither is finding out his employer has bugged his home and phone. When his assignments start looking more like political agenda than corporate espionage, he begins to doubt the company he is working for. Add to the list, his doubts of his own abilities, a man in black glasses that seems to be following him, keeping the corporation happy by fulfilling his lifelong—till death do us part—contract, and the unexpected pregnancy of his wife of ten years, and the hit man realizes he is treading in dangerous waters.
Just when Antony thinks the list can’t get any harder, the atheist assassin is called to be a High Elder of the church of Caledonia. His refusal of the call, begins a process of deconstruction, that drags him through the depths of a Hell he doesn’t believe exists.
Emergence is a story of faith, the lack of it, sin and forgiveness, decisions and the ramifications of those decisions. The main character Antony Danic can be likened to Paul in the new testament. An enemy of the church becoming a beloved apostle.
My short story "Broken" took third place at LTUE in 2008. You can learn more about me on my blog, XXXX, my Facebook page, XXXX, and my website, XXXX.
I wrote Emergence as a stand-alone; however, I have ideas for a series involving the characters. Enclosed is the full manuscript.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXX
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Teen Writers Conference--Registration deadline May 25
Quick reminder to get registration mailed in for
the Teen Writers Conference.
Deadline is May 25, 2009
Details:
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Weber State University
Deadline is May 25, 2009
Details:
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Weber State University
Ogden, Utah
Ages 13-19
Registration Information: http://www.teenwritersconference.com/
Full schedule is posted. Best-selling authors including:
Jessica Day George, James Dashner,
Ages 13-19
Registration Information: http://www.teenwritersconference.com/
Full schedule is posted. Best-selling authors including:
Jessica Day George, James Dashner,
J. Scott Savage, Lisa Mangum,
your PEG editors, and many more!
Conference Chair: Josi S. Kilpack
Contact: info@teenwritersconference.com
Parental Permission form required for ages 13–17
$39.00 Registration fee (includes lunch)
Enter the Writing Contest!
Sponsored by Precision Editing Group
your PEG editors, and many more!
Conference Chair: Josi S. Kilpack
Contact: info@teenwritersconference.com
Parental Permission form required for ages 13–17
$39.00 Registration fee (includes lunch)
Enter the Writing Contest!
Sponsored by Precision Editing Group
Monday, May 18, 2009
Monday Mania--Query Letter
One of our readers submitted two versions of a query letter. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0023:
Query #1
Dear Agent:
I am seeking literary representation for my completed 98,000-word YA historical novel Girl From Gurian, set in 18th century Philippines. Girl From Gurian is the story of a fifteen year old princess who discovers the depths of her inner strength as she survives life in exile.
Juzliza’s life changes the day she meets – and falls in love – with a slave-raider named Rumatag. Her father, however, wants her to marry Rumatag’s uncle, Datu Tungkil, to stave off unrest among his allies who don’t support the sultan’s friendly overtures towards the Spanish colonial government. When she refuses to marry Datu Tungkil and the sultan allows the Spaniards to build a Catholic church on Gurian, Datu Tungkil overthrows the sultan.
Juzliza and her family flee into exile. Enduring hardships, she is haunted by Rumatag’s stinging betrayal, when he did not try to stop his uncle’s insurrection. Eventually, she adjusts to life in exile, learning a trade, finding solace in a new love, and even converting to the Catholic church despite her father’s opposition.
Just as her life begins to settle, a new twist unfolds. The Spanish government arrests her father for treason and agrees to release him if she can free a Spanish hostage held by a kinsman. As Juzliza attempts this daunting task, Rumatag captures her. Will she be able to fight off her feelings for him to accomplish her mission and possibly even reclaim her rightful throne?
I grew up in the Philippines and immigrated to Utah, where I earned a bachelor’s degree in English from Utah State University. Over the last two decades, my articles and essays have been published in magazines and newspapers. I also have worked in marketing and public relations.
I would be happy to send you more material, should you be interested. Thank you for your time.
Query #2
I am seeking representation for my completed, 98,000-word YA historical novel Girl From Gurian, set in 18th century Philippines.
A Philippine Pocahontas meets Pirates of the Carribean in this story of a fifteen-year-old crown princess who sets off an insurrection when she allows the Spanish government to build a Catholic church on her Muslim island.
Her family flees into exile, where she fights off pirates, loneliness, and poverty. But most of all, she fights off the memory of the young man she loved, a slave-raider who supported his uncle in the rebellion because Spaniards killed his parents years before. Piano, eccentric friends, a new vocation and the tender love of a Spanish mercenary help ease her days, until she feels she could be content living the life of an ordinary girl. When her father is arrested for treason and she undertakes a dangerous mission to free him, she has to choose between her new life – and love – and the chance to reclaim her rightful throne.
Girl From Gurian was inspired by true historical events, when Fatima, the daughter of an exiled Philippine sultan, negotiated the release of a hostage in exchange for her father’s freedom.
I grew up in the Philippines and moved to Utah in 1987 where I obtained a bachelors degree in English from Utah State University. Over the last two decades, I have written articles and essays for magazines and newspapers. I also have extensive marketing and public relations experience.
I would be happy to send you more material should you be interested. Thank you for your time.
Critique Archive 0023:
Query #1
Dear Agent:
I am seeking literary representation for my completed 98,000-word YA historical novel Girl From Gurian, set in 18th century Philippines. Girl From Gurian is the story of a fifteen year old princess who discovers the depths of her inner strength as she survives life in exile.
Juzliza’s life changes the day she meets – and falls in love – with a slave-raider named Rumatag. Her father, however, wants her to marry Rumatag’s uncle, Datu Tungkil, to stave off unrest among his allies who don’t support the sultan’s friendly overtures towards the Spanish colonial government. When she refuses to marry Datu Tungkil and the sultan allows the Spaniards to build a Catholic church on Gurian, Datu Tungkil overthrows the sultan.
Juzliza and her family flee into exile. Enduring hardships, she is haunted by Rumatag’s stinging betrayal, when he did not try to stop his uncle’s insurrection. Eventually, she adjusts to life in exile, learning a trade, finding solace in a new love, and even converting to the Catholic church despite her father’s opposition.
Just as her life begins to settle, a new twist unfolds. The Spanish government arrests her father for treason and agrees to release him if she can free a Spanish hostage held by a kinsman. As Juzliza attempts this daunting task, Rumatag captures her. Will she be able to fight off her feelings for him to accomplish her mission and possibly even reclaim her rightful throne?
I grew up in the Philippines and immigrated to Utah, where I earned a bachelor’s degree in English from Utah State University. Over the last two decades, my articles and essays have been published in magazines and newspapers. I also have worked in marketing and public relations.
I would be happy to send you more material, should you be interested. Thank you for your time.
Query #2
I am seeking representation for my completed, 98,000-word YA historical novel Girl From Gurian, set in 18th century Philippines.
A Philippine Pocahontas meets Pirates of the Carribean in this story of a fifteen-year-old crown princess who sets off an insurrection when she allows the Spanish government to build a Catholic church on her Muslim island.
Her family flees into exile, where she fights off pirates, loneliness, and poverty. But most of all, she fights off the memory of the young man she loved, a slave-raider who supported his uncle in the rebellion because Spaniards killed his parents years before. Piano, eccentric friends, a new vocation and the tender love of a Spanish mercenary help ease her days, until she feels she could be content living the life of an ordinary girl. When her father is arrested for treason and she undertakes a dangerous mission to free him, she has to choose between her new life – and love – and the chance to reclaim her rightful throne.
Girl From Gurian was inspired by true historical events, when Fatima, the daughter of an exiled Philippine sultan, negotiated the release of a hostage in exchange for her father’s freedom.
I grew up in the Philippines and moved to Utah in 1987 where I obtained a bachelors degree in English from Utah State University. Over the last two decades, I have written articles and essays for magazines and newspapers. I also have extensive marketing and public relations experience.
I would be happy to send you more material should you be interested. Thank you for your time.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Monday Mania--Query Letter
One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0022:
Dear Agent:
What if the FBI could whittle down their suspect list with the help of a teenager? This is the premise for my young adult fiction novel A Royale Pain: A Draven Atreides, Teenage Informant Novel.
Sixteen-year-old, African American, Draven Atreides (pronounced Dray-ven, Uh-tray-deez) has just started a new gig as an FBI informant. Her To Do list includes: adjust to new life, make new friends, and try not to tell said new friends about her secret job. A French chemist is peddling his “specially formulated” products to high-class spas and his latest target is celeb favorite, The Royale Treatment Day Spa. Unfortunately, his products cause some nasty side effects and the results are so not pretty. Just when Draven’s first assignment seems to be heading south, she receives unwanted assistance in the form of Rader DeChanel. What does he want with Draven? Will she be able to solve her first official case without blowing her cover?
This completed project of approximately 39,000 words is the first in a linked character series that takes place in Phoenix, Arizona. Unlike other YA espionage-type series (Spy High, The Specialists, Gallagher Girls), Draven Atreides, Teenage FBI: A Royale Pain is about one girl bringin' down the bad guys—or girls. No weapons. No special training. No disguises.
I'm a member of National Association of Women’s Writers and Arizona Author’s Association, and I’m a native of Arizona. I'd be happy to send you a partial or complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Critique Archive 0022:
Dear Agent:
What if the FBI could whittle down their suspect list with the help of a teenager? This is the premise for my young adult fiction novel A Royale Pain: A Draven Atreides, Teenage Informant Novel.
Sixteen-year-old, African American, Draven Atreides (pronounced Dray-ven, Uh-tray-deez) has just started a new gig as an FBI informant. Her To Do list includes: adjust to new life, make new friends, and try not to tell said new friends about her secret job. A French chemist is peddling his “specially formulated” products to high-class spas and his latest target is celeb favorite, The Royale Treatment Day Spa. Unfortunately, his products cause some nasty side effects and the results are so not pretty. Just when Draven’s first assignment seems to be heading south, she receives unwanted assistance in the form of Rader DeChanel. What does he want with Draven? Will she be able to solve her first official case without blowing her cover?
This completed project of approximately 39,000 words is the first in a linked character series that takes place in Phoenix, Arizona. Unlike other YA espionage-type series (Spy High, The Specialists, Gallagher Girls), Draven Atreides, Teenage FBI: A Royale Pain is about one girl bringin' down the bad guys—or girls. No weapons. No special training. No disguises.
I'm a member of National Association of Women’s Writers and Arizona Author’s Association, and I’m a native of Arizona. I'd be happy to send you a partial or complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Monday, May 4, 2009
Monday Mania--Query Letter
One of our readers submitted two versions of a query letter. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.
Critique Archive 0021:
Version 1
Dear xxxx,
When Samantha Van Skyhawk learns her family secret, her life is in terrible danger—and her unlife may just be beginning.
This is the premise of my young adult paranormal novel, Darkness Within which is completed and is approximately 45,000 words in length.
Samantha’s dad is a vampire and soon her blood will change. She flees with her mom and brother to Shadow Falls to find the spell to kill the fervent vampire blood When Samantha encounters Brent, a human with the most bewitching smile, things get complicated. She doesn’t have time for a romance not with the daunting task of defeating a vampire who has been around for centuries. Then Samantha meets Drake, a totally hot vampire, who claims she belongs with him; the darkness within her completely agrees. She must fight her incredible urge to be with Drake and the yearning within her soul to become what she fears most—a monster that kills. Will she save herself and those she loves or will she embrace the night forever?
I am a member of Romance Writers of America and the League of Utah Writers. I have been honored with being named 2006 Writer of the Year by the League of Utah Writers. Darkness Within was awarded second place in the League of Utah Writer’s YA book category. I have four contemporary romances published by Champagne Books. Each book has been on the Champagne Books best selling book list. All of them have received amazing reviews. I have had articles and short stories published for the young adult market.
Thank you for taking the time to consider this novel. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. I have included a SASE for your convenience. I will look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Version 2
Dear xxxx
Samantha Van Skyhawk’s world collapsed when she found out her family secret—her dad is a vampire and soon her blood will change.
This is the premise of my young adult novel, Darkness Within.
Her dad a vampire? Had her mom completely lost it? Vampire didn’t exist outside of Hollywood movies, did they? Not only that but her mom tells her she is a witch which makes her brother, Josh, and her one fourth vampire and one half witch. Up until the night her mom took her and Josh and fled, Samantha had always thought she was just an ordinary teenage girl.
Now they must go to Shadow Falls to find the spell to kill the fervent vampire blood that surges through them before it turns them into the undead When Samantha encounters Brent, a human with the most bewitching smile, things get complicated. As cliché as it sounds he makes her knees go weak, but she doesn’t have time for a romance not with her world crashing down and the daunting task of defeating a vampire who has been around for centuries. Then Samantha meets Drake, a totally hot vampire, who claims she belongs with him; the darkness within her completely agrees. She must fight her incredible urge to be with Drake, the brilliance of the night and the darkness within her soul yearning to become what she fears most. There are also the humans who fear those with “special powers” not to mention the other creatures roaming Shadow Falls; werewolves. And then there is the whole new girl factor at Shadow High School where no one seems to like her. She had once thought surviving her senior year would be hard and keeping up her GPA for college, but now that looks like a cake walk compared to all of this.
I am a member of Romance Writers of America and the League of Utah Writers. I have been honored with being named 2006 Writer of the Year by the League of Utah Writers. Darkness Within was awarded second place in the League of Utah Writer’s YA book category. I have four contemporary romances with Champagne and each one has been on the Champagne Books best selling book list. All have received amazing reviews. I have had articles and short stories published for the young adult market.
Thank you for taking the time to consider this novel. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. I have included a SASE for your convenience. I will look forward to hearing from you.
Critique Archive 0021:
Version 1
Dear xxxx,
When Samantha Van Skyhawk learns her family secret, her life is in terrible danger—and her unlife may just be beginning.
This is the premise of my young adult paranormal novel, Darkness Within which is completed and is approximately 45,000 words in length.
Samantha’s dad is a vampire and soon her blood will change. She flees with her mom and brother to Shadow Falls to find the spell to kill the fervent vampire blood When Samantha encounters Brent, a human with the most bewitching smile, things get complicated. She doesn’t have time for a romance not with the daunting task of defeating a vampire who has been around for centuries. Then Samantha meets Drake, a totally hot vampire, who claims she belongs with him; the darkness within her completely agrees. She must fight her incredible urge to be with Drake and the yearning within her soul to become what she fears most—a monster that kills. Will she save herself and those she loves or will she embrace the night forever?
I am a member of Romance Writers of America and the League of Utah Writers. I have been honored with being named 2006 Writer of the Year by the League of Utah Writers. Darkness Within was awarded second place in the League of Utah Writer’s YA book category. I have four contemporary romances published by Champagne Books. Each book has been on the Champagne Books best selling book list. All of them have received amazing reviews. I have had articles and short stories published for the young adult market.
Thank you for taking the time to consider this novel. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. I have included a SASE for your convenience. I will look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Author
Version 2
Dear xxxx
Samantha Van Skyhawk’s world collapsed when she found out her family secret—her dad is a vampire and soon her blood will change.
This is the premise of my young adult novel, Darkness Within.
Her dad a vampire? Had her mom completely lost it? Vampire didn’t exist outside of Hollywood movies, did they? Not only that but her mom tells her she is a witch which makes her brother, Josh, and her one fourth vampire and one half witch. Up until the night her mom took her and Josh and fled, Samantha had always thought she was just an ordinary teenage girl.
Now they must go to Shadow Falls to find the spell to kill the fervent vampire blood that surges through them before it turns them into the undead When Samantha encounters Brent, a human with the most bewitching smile, things get complicated. As cliché as it sounds he makes her knees go weak, but she doesn’t have time for a romance not with her world crashing down and the daunting task of defeating a vampire who has been around for centuries. Then Samantha meets Drake, a totally hot vampire, who claims she belongs with him; the darkness within her completely agrees. She must fight her incredible urge to be with Drake, the brilliance of the night and the darkness within her soul yearning to become what she fears most. There are also the humans who fear those with “special powers” not to mention the other creatures roaming Shadow Falls; werewolves. And then there is the whole new girl factor at Shadow High School where no one seems to like her. She had once thought surviving her senior year would be hard and keeping up her GPA for college, but now that looks like a cake walk compared to all of this.
I am a member of Romance Writers of America and the League of Utah Writers. I have been honored with being named 2006 Writer of the Year by the League of Utah Writers. Darkness Within was awarded second place in the League of Utah Writer’s YA book category. I have four contemporary romances with Champagne and each one has been on the Champagne Books best selling book list. All have received amazing reviews. I have had articles and short stories published for the young adult market.
Thank you for taking the time to consider this novel. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your request. I have included a SASE for your convenience. I will look forward to hearing from you.
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