Monday, May 25, 2009

Monday Mania--Query Letter

One of our readers submitted a query letter for critique. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0024:

Dear, XXXXXXXX

I am writing to introdouce Emergence, a 77,000 word work of specualtive fiction.

Killing an innocent man is not on corporate soldier Antony Danic’s list of things to do. Neither is finding out his employer has bugged his home and phone. When his assignments start looking more like political agenda than corporate espionage, he begins to doubt the company he is working for. Add to the list, his doubts of his own abilities, a man in black glasses that seems to be following him, keeping the corporation happy by fulfilling his lifelong—till death do us part—contract, and the unexpected pregnancy of his wife of ten years, and the hit man realizes he is treading in dangerous waters.

Just when Antony thinks the list can’t get any harder, the atheist assassin is called to be a High Elder of the church of Caledonia. His refusal of the call, begins a process of deconstruction, that drags him through the depths of a Hell he doesn’t believe exists.

Emergence is a story of faith, the lack of it, sin and forgiveness, decisions and the ramifications of those decisions. The main character Antony Danic can be likened to Paul in the new testament. An enemy of the church becoming a beloved apostle.

My short story "Broken" took third place at LTUE in 2008. You can learn more about me on my blog, XXXX, my Facebook page, XXXX, and my website, XXXX.

I wrote Emergence as a stand-alone; however, I have ideas for a series involving the characters. Enclosed is the full manuscript.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXX

3 comments:

Heather B. Moore said...

Some minor corrections:
spell check: introduce, speculative
punctuation: no comma in sentence that starts with "His refusal of the call . . .", capitalize New Testament.

The last sentence in the first main paragraph is a little convoluted. Maybe break it up so that it reads more clearly.

Also, you wouldn't enclose the full manuscript unless it's requested.

Overall, it does sound interesting!

Lu Ann Brobst Staheli said...

"My short story "Broken" took third place at LTUE in 2008."

This sentence sort of hit me from left field and threw me off track for a minute. Maybe you should say something like, "Although Emergence is my first novel, my short story titled "Broken" took third place at LTUE in 2008."

That shows us you have credibility, yet separates this novel from that short story.

Michelle said...

Heather and LuAnn,

Thanks for your comments.

Heather, I have fixed the spelling and the grammar.

This query is in response to a MS request which is why I included the part about sending the whole MS.

I fixed the last senence to say. "death do us part--contract. With the announcement of his wife's unexpected pregnancy, the hit man realizes. . . "

LuAnn, I changed that sentence, I hope you dont mind that I used the exact wording.

Michelle