Critique Archive #55
One of our readers has submitted a query for critique. Please offer only constructive comments.
Subject: query. Cats and Dogs Tell No Tales.
Dear AGENT,
Cats and Dogs Tell No Tales is a fun filled book for the middle school girl. Emma, the storyteller, shares her first experiences as a student witch. Her neighbors have been turned into familiars for the local coven. Anyone that gets to nosy or bothersome is turned into a cat or dog by her grandmother.
Harry, a neighbor, familiar, and a Jack Russell Terrier mix is the instigator of an animal revolt and supposedly holds the key to everlasting youth. It is a completed novel (19,138 words.)
This is my
first novel for the middle school age student. It was inspired by the
exploits of my granddaughter. Both her and her best friend have actually
tried (unsuccessfully) love spells.
My father
introduced me to writing and literature just as I share literature with
my granddaughter. I am a retired RN and have a B.A. from Barat College
in Lake Forest, Illinois and Loyola University in Chicago. I have
recently published my first adult novel which is the beginning of a
historical paranormal romance trilogy. This was my driving force to
produce this book.
Please
enjoy reading the 10 pages I have include in this e-mail. I sent 10
pages because the first few are just the cast of characters but
pertinent to the story. Thank you in advance for your time and
consideration.
Sincerely,
Sincerely,
AUTHOR
Posts
3 comments:
This sounds like a fun premise for a middle grade book. I like the title, and story feels like something different and fun. I can see a lot of potential for some good laughs in this set up.
Here are some thoughts on the query.
Dear AGENT,
Cats and Dogs Tell No Tales is a fun filled book for the middle school girl [I believe this should just say Cats and Dogs Tell No Tales is a 19,000 word middle grade light fantasy.]
Emma, the storyteller, shares her first experiences as a student witch. [Write the pitch in present tense active voice, example: This is Emma's first year as a student witch, and thanks to her grandmother's twitchy spell-finger, things could not be worse. Grandmother won't stop turning her nosy neighbors into familiars... You've got to sell your book by making it sound exciting.] Her neighbors have been turned into familiars for the local coven. Anyone that gets to [too] nosy or bothersome is turned into a cat or dog by her grandmother. ["have been" and "is turned" are passive.]
Harry, a neighbor, familiar, and a Jack Russell Terrier mix is the instigator of an animal revolt [love it!] and supposedly holds the key to everlasting youth. [You can't end the pitch here! You've got to tell the agent what's at stake. What about Harry makes Emma's life miserable? What's going to happen to Emma if the animal revolt is a success? And what role does the key to everlasting youth play in the book? Give the agent something to make her want to keep reading.]
It is a completed novel (19,138 words.) This is my first novel for the middle school age student.[Just put this is my first middle grade novel.] It was inspired by the exploits of my granddaughter. Both her and her best friend have actually tried (unsuccessfully) love spells. [The last sentence reads just a tad awkward.]
My father introduced me to writing and literature just as I share literature with my granddaughter. I am a retired RN and have a B.A. from Barat College in Lake Forest, Illinois and Loyola University in Chicago. [This is nice because your literary relationship with your granddaughter has relevance to writing middle grade, but unless you were a pediatric RN and used experiences working with children to write your story, it can be left off.] I have recently published my first adult novel which is the beginning of a historical paranormal romance trilogy. [Is this a self-published book? Because if it is, you probably shouldn't mention it. If it is traditionally published, you'll need to include the name of the publisher and the year.]
This was my driving force to produce this book. [Delete this sentence.]
Please enjoy reading the 10 pages I have include[included] in this e-mail. I sent 10 pages because the first few are just the cast of characters but pertinent to the story. [Personally, I think you should leave off submitting the cast of characters in your initial query. It's a red flag for agents.]
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. [Nice ending.]
I think this query is well on its way to being awesome. You might want to try reading it out loud to make sure the wording flows nicely. Good job and good luck with this story. It sounds great!
I agree with Julie--organize your information so that you have a solid introduction to the genre and audience, then take a paragraph to tell the basic storyline, and then finish with your credentials. I would leave out the part about your granddaughter--while it's sweet and important to you, I think that kind of 'inspiration' can sometimes communicate an attitude of personal investment that makes editors nervous ("I can't change the color of my main characters hair, because my granddaughter is blonde and she inspired that character")
Best of luck, it sounds like a very fun book.
I agree that it sounds like a fun book. Julie makes some great points. The paragraph about your dad is nice, but I think I'd delete it.
And, I don;t know what a "familiar" is.
I love the premise about the animals revolting. But I wonder why she'd turn someone with the key to everlasting youth into a dog. To keep it a secret? To protect others? Is she planning to turn him back into a human at the right time to take advantage of his knowledge? What does that have to do with the story?
Good luck!
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