Monday Mania: First Page

One of our readers submitted the first page of a children's book she's writing. Feel free to make comments, but please keep them constructive.

Critique Archive 0012:

Hannah was a princess. She was not an ordinary princess. She lived in a regular house, but to Hannah it was really a castle.

Each morning she made her royal bed and lined up her dolls on the pillow. “You must protect the castle until I return,” she commanded a soft white bear.

Hannah changed into her shimmering pink gown. Then she took her place at the grand balcony, which was really her bedroom window. “Hello, royal subjects,” she called to the children riding bikes below.

She moved to her mirror or “looking glass” as she lovingly called it. After brushing her hair, she carefully fixed a fancy silver crown on top of her head. Then she stepped into her sparkling slippers and did a ballerina twirl in the middle of the rug. Pleased with her outfit, Hannah began to feel hungry.

She tiptoed to her mother’s room.

“Oh Queen,” Hannah whispered. “I’m hungry.”

Unfortunately, her mother didn’t always look like a queen, especially in the morning. “In a minute,” her mother said with a groan.

Hannah went to the kitchen and waited. And waited. She waited at least one-hundred minutes, and still her mother didn’t come. It was just too long for a princess to wait.

She climbed onto the counter and took down the prettiest bowl. Her dress snagged the drawer, and ripped. “Uh oh,” she muttered. But that didn’t stop her search, and she found her favorite cereal. There was just enough for a hungry princess.